I am struggling with my life
This is a very intimate and vulnerable story of me
Songs for Suffering – Artwork – Ch.1 – Cry Hard
I have been suffering for a long while now. I mostly call myself an illusion of success and I promise you it’s not because I am pessimistic or that I don’t believe in myself. In Fact I can say for a very long time, one of the major challenges with my life was that I was overconfident.
When I say suffering, it is easy to conclude that I am referring to my finances but in my case it includes but is not limited to my finances.
I am suffering mentally, psychologically and emotionally.
I know this is already looking like I am ranting but I promise you I am not, neither am I trying to get your pity. I only want to share my story and perhaps connect with others who can relate with my situation. Luckily for me, I might get someone who has worked in my shoes before.
Before I got diagnosed with ADHD, I have always known that something is different about me. As far back as primary school, I mostly struggled with things that many others find easy; I struggled with listening in class, writing notes, concentrating in the exam hall and staying near like other students.
My parents, although well learned, couldn’t figure out what exactly was wrong with me. My academics was very poor, this is despite the fact that my mum mostly wrote my notes and I had a lesson teacher (a teacher that teaches after normal school hours) for almost every subject. My results were so embarrassing and my parents chose the part of violence to complement other forms of support I got.
My Dad beat me naked countless times and recklessly and you can't blame him, anyone would react the same or even worse if they were my parents. The one phase of my life that stands out was when I was in Primary 4. My class teacher then, Mr Owoeye suggested that he flogged me every morning once I resume. I can't remember how many stroke I had to get every morning regardless of whether or not I had done anything wrong but I can remember vividly that the strokes were hard and my body was mostly sore.
I can continue to count several other instances where I was made to suffer because I was not serious but it will only make you pity me; one thing I detest from anyone.
Before I close the chapter on my childhood and tell you about me as a young adult, I want to remind you that I wasn't completely garbage as a child. When I was not repairing an electronic gadget that I spoiled, I love to read the bible and I read and memorise a lot of Psalms and Galatian and Romans and Proverbs. I was interested in the word of God and maybe because it was motivating to read about the miracles God did and I always had hope that one day I also will be a miracle.
Now I am a few months to being 24 and nothing much has changed.
The past 7 years of my life have been hectic and challenging. I thought I failed growing up but what I faced then has been nothing compared to what I have been facing even lately.
I randomly tell myself that the quality of my life is very poor and this is not from a place of comparisons to anyone. I am certain that if I have to compare myself to anyone I will become suicidal.
I have tried several businesses and failed at them all. I have had several friends and I have ruined about 90% of the relationships, in fact the remaining 10% are those friends that won’t leave you no matter what you do or who you become. And my romantic life has been a beautiful catastrophe; I promise I will tell you about it someday.
Honestly, there is no one to blame for all I have been through but me. A while ago, I tried to blame the fact that I have chronic ADHD but deep down in me I know it is beyond this.
Someone right now is thinking I need spiritual help. I have seek this in the most genuine way possible but like I said earlier I know the solution to my problem but I can’t solve it.
The past 7 years I have had to make decisions and most times I am not confused. However, I rarely make the right decisions. For context, I am usually aware of the consequences of my decision and I will still choose it; don’t say I am not in control of myself because I am. I know what I am doing. I always do.
Testimonies
Remember I said I am an illusion of greatness. I have the best magnet to attract the best of persons. Many people compliment my intelligence within the first 1hr of talking to me. This is me trying to be humble actually, I get complimented almost after I say the first sentence; I have never been in a situation where my intelligence was contested. So it’s clear to everyone that I am intelligent and this brings about expectations.
Usually, a lot of people want to be my friend because they want to be associated with "Greatness" , some even call me "Greatness" but it’s all for a while. After they become close to me for a while, they painfully detach because there is little or no substance to back up the “Greatness”; I say painfully not because I am hurt that they detach but because I know they are more hurt and disappointed that they have to detach.
My strength
I am a critical thinker. I am yet to meet anyone who thinks more critically than I do. I am able to envision the next 100 steps ahead in just a glance of thought. I know you think it is an exaggeration but it is not. My thought process is why everyone thinks I am intelligent; I can think of solutions where you least expect and not just the solution, but the road map to achieving this solution.
I am eloquent. I speak excellently, in the most convincing manner ever; you will just want to hear me speak more and more. I am able to articulate my point in the simplest possible form and it also influences how I communicate the numerous ideas I have had. Each time I share an idea, it sounds so convincing and soothing that most people offer their support almost instantly.
My weakness
I make the most odd choices. I would like to call myself lazy even though I give everyone the impression that I am hardworking. I don’t do the right thing at the right time and this is something I have been struggling with for years. In Fact I believe solving this is me solving 80% of my problems.
Note: I have tried a lot of things and yes, I will have an headless list of things I have tried to get myself to do the right thing at the right time
Another major weakness is that I have zero fear of the consequences of my actions or how it influences those that care about me.
Moving forward
There is greatness inside of me and I am certain I will dish it to the world before I die. I have been trying different things to get myself to do the right thing at the right time and have some fear of consequences and I know I will eventually figure out HOW. When I do, I promise I will write about it and I will be an evangelist of revival to many that are like me. One thing I know is that I am not going to give up on myself no matter how long it takes to get it right.
If you can relate to my story, kindly share your experience on how you are handling things and what you do that helps you. I am very eager to hear from you.
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Talk to you soon!
