Broken People are Needy
What do you do when you are broken or when you are in a relationship with a broken person.
Love is a simple complex concept most of us try to grasp. It is dynamic and becomes more complicated when emotions are involved.
As a simple way to avoid the complexity, I choose to stick to an understanding of love that implies being affectionate, kind and caring for another; this definition is regardless of whether or not romantic emotions are involved.
Have you ever wondered how it is like to love a person that is broken, wounded or hurt? Or perhaps are you currently in a relationship with a person that has been wounded or is going through some sort of emotional pain (trauma).
As you read on, I will explain what it is like to be loved as a broken person, the best way to receive love when you are broken and lastly how to love a broken person.
Note: I am avoiding the word Trauma deliberately.
Different challenges can significantly affect our lives. While most people are hurt as a result of disappointment from a person they once committed to and had expectations of the same, some other people are just affected by their general life experiences; bad working colleagues, business disappointment, depression, and many other issues can keep a person in a state of emotional and mental pain.
Just like physical wound, emotional/mental wound needs to heal and healing takes time. It is important to acknowledge that when you have a wound on your body, your actions, that is, how you treat the wound will determine how fast and well it will heal. Also, bear in mind that the size of wounds, and its severity differs.
If you leave a small wound unattended to, it might heal up itself and how fast this happens depends on your body physiology and what you expose the wound to.
This closely applies to emotional/mental wounds. The cause of the wound will determine how severe the wound is and the hurt that comes with it. Then how you handle the wound will determine how it heals.
One thing you must know is that you can be wounded emotionally/mentally and not realize it. This is because as humans we have coping mechanisms that helps us mask the wound and the wound becomes a trauma that will only come up when triggered.
This actually explains why many people assume they have healed emotionally/mentally when they have only just masked the wound and numbed the pain with different coping mechanisms.
Relationship reveals you. This is simply because two different people coming together will have to learn about their dynamics and in so doing, traumas are triggered and wounds are revealed. That is why it is necessary to heal in the right way.
I am able to tell you what it is like to receive love as a wounded person and also what it is like to give love to a wounded person because I have been on both sides of the table. So again, I will ask that you indulge me and let’s make me a specimen.
Let me be your specimen.
I have been deeply wounded twice in my life.
The first was from a disappointment in a relationship I cherished so much. Although I had enough time to prepare for the disappointment- upto 3months. I was living in denial and didn’t want to accept that the heartbreak (separation from my then partner) which was inevitable. This happened to me few years ago, roughly 4 years ago and although I went through all the stages of grief, I didn’t truly heal up from it.
The second time was a business disappointment that became very embarrassing. Let’s just say I had high expectations of the business and I had communicated the expectations to alot of people, when things eventually fell apart, I was deeply hurt by the disappointment and also more because I had thought I let everyone that believed in me down.
In my case, I knew I was wounded and I tried several steps to heal up. I put in so much effort to a point where I was self-convinced that I had healed and completely moved on from all the pain.
But I got a big shock in my last relationship…
My last relationship thought me alot of lessons. I loved her so much (I still do) and I wish I knew what I know now before I met her or started the relationship with her; I wish I had healed up properly before meeting her.
She was loving, caring in the way I wanted her to be, to me it seemed like a heaven made love, customized just for me.
So what happened…
I love her, and there is no doubt about that, but I gradually began to show symptoms.
I used the word symptoms because although it wasn’t visible to her, I could already tell that something was wrong with me.
I was needy.
I was clingy..
I was insecure…
One constant fear that I had was the fear of loosing her and deep down in me, I knew this was inevitable.
Unfortunately, what happens when you are wounded and traumatized is that you slowly begin to form patterns and link dots. It even becomes worse if you are an overthinker.
I was an overthinker; I was able to picture how everything will roll out and it happened almost the way I pictured it.
First you are happy that you met them and it seem as though they met you at the point of your need.
They listen
They care
They give (time, affection, money, and other resources)
They don't judge you, you find them as a safe space.
Then the issue now is that you will become so use to them (attached) that they will become your only source of energy; it will be hard to go on without them.
What you fail to realize is that you are draining them.
Because of how their attention and effort makes you feel, you become so relaxed and comfortable.
You are grateful but you keep receiving and you quickly forget that they also have needs. They also need as much care and attention as they can get.
They, on the other hand keep giving you this love, care and attention because they are genuine and also because you might have mentioned your trauma to them at some point; they want to be the best they can to you.
What eventually happens is that they get drained or they burnout.
Just like any source that doesn't get renewed, they get tired of being the lover and giving the most in the relationship. And your will not blame them for not even communicating that they are tired because most times they believe that telling you will hurt you more or even trigger more emotions that they don't want you to feel.
To fill the gap you are not filling, they begin to seek external validation and they try to do other things that will renew/refresh their energy.
They talk to people that will listen to them more.
They hangout in places where their is less pressure.
Just imagine any other activities that will let them loose from your cage, yes, those are the things they indulge in.
And one day, they will decide to leave…
Moving on is the hardest part for a traumatized person. It’s almost as though you are detaching a branch from a tree. Infact I can tell you that when you are really struggling to move on, or you don’t want to let go of a relationship (even when you yourself don’t see things working out) then you are trauma bonded with your partner.
Breaking up with a broken person is hard because they seek closure so many times and if they overthink, then you are in for a hell of a ride.
They will question you on why you are leaving and no reason you give will make sense or add up to them.
They will stuck you and will always find an excuse to remain a part of your life no matter how insignificant it will be.
You will have to stand your ground
If you have decided to move on from a relationship with someone that is traumatized. You must do it swiftly and as though you don’t care, even though you do. You have to let go of them completely and not give them any chance to stick around. Block them if you need to (your sanity matter also).
Doing this doesn’t make you a bad person, you will only give them space to get closure with themselves and figure out how to heal properly. And except you are a certified psychologist, you should not think of helping them to heal.
Note: I am not in any way implying that you must leave a traumatized partner. The decision of whether to stay or leave a relationship is yours (you know what you want). You can choose to stay and help your partner but you need to know what you have signed up for and brace yourself up to stand strong.
And if you are the wounded person…
You have to acknowledge that you are wounded and you need to heal up properly. You must cater for yourself first in other to give your best to others.
Remember that if your partner chooses to leave, this doesn’t make you or them a
a bad person. Everyone has the right to choose what they want and whether or not you love them, you should respect their decision.
Regardless of whether or not you are interested in being in a romantic relationship, you need to work on yourself and heal properly. Whatever care or gesture you get from others is only masking your trauma temporarily and your relief is also temporary.
Seek help and get yourself to be in your best possible state; mentally, physically, emotional and financially.
If you can relate to any of the above, then you should subscribe to my Medium Page. I will be writing alot of helpful guide to help you heal up and move on in the right way.
Talk to you soon.
